But who is his real mom?

No one has yet asked me that about Ben, but from what others say, I'll get it more than once about a transracially adopted child.

It's a sensitive question for mothers of adopted kids. They are after all, their kids' moms. Their real moms. Just not their birth moms. And so it is a painful and insulting question.

I'm not sure it should be though. I understand how adoptive mothers feel, who have all the same relationship, experience, and emotions of all mothers. When asked a question that gives the title, Real Mom, to someone else, their role and relationship is diminished in their eyes.

Does it need to be that way?

It's hard to avoid that we live in a fallen world, groaning for freedom from corruption (Romans 8:19-25). I think everyone recognizes that in an ideal world, there would be no need for adoption...Kids would be born to married, capable, responsible parents who would live to old age. Legally, practically, and spiritually, adoptive moms and dads are the real parents. The only thing that the question, "Who is his real mom," asks, is, "how did he get to your family?" Transracial adoption suggests the adventure of traveling overseas too, promising an exciting story (even though that probably won't be our experience this year).

Should we adopt transracially a second time, as we hope to do, I've been told to anticipate being asked if our two black children are real siblings. (Well, yes, OF COURSE they are real siblings...they just don't have the same genes.)

Answering questions might give me opportunities to explain in front of my child how God has blessed our family and him through adoption. But I hear that questions (and stares) can be awkward, or even just awkwardly frequent, and rub salt in a child's wounds. One local mom has her name and email on a business card that she keeps handy for curious strangers, saying that she'd be happy to answer any questions over email.

Can it really be that bad? I hear consistently that it is, but I think I'll have to experience it before I fully believe it.