One month

Brett and I have talked about how having an adopted child is different than having a biological child. Even though we had Ben with us for eight months before he was even born, the biggest difference so far is that I didn't have to recover from an all-nighter athletic event (labor). Maybe second is that we're not surprised our newborn doesn't look like us (Ben, four days old, is pictured at right).

With the exception of the first few hours of life, I would even say that Ella has felt more like my child than Ben did in the first month. And those first few hours shouldn't count anyway, since Ella wasn't yet our daughter. I think Ella, with her brown skin, feels more like my child because I'm established and comfortable in my identity as a mother. That took a while for me to get used to after Ben was born.

Then our week at Primary Children's Hospital sealed the deal (and I ended up getting in my all-nighter, a few times). Doctors and nurses seem very concerned about numbers--weight, blood count, liquid ounces, inches, etc., all compared against charts of "normal" babies. And they have their standard way of treatment. So anything out of the usual--like attachment parenting or an adoptive breastfeeding mother--stirs things up a little. Through this I felt my mama bear instincts gear-up to protect my daughter's interests.

For example, the doctors prescribed three bilirubin lights for Ella to sleep and poop under (more than is even needed, but whatever). Everyone knows babies sleep, poop, and the third thing they do is eat! Ella is a breastfed baby, so I needed to pick her up off of her table and hold her in a rocking chair. It was especially important to me to nurse hre, as I was building my milk supply. The doctors freaked out about this: "But she needs the lights!" So I suggested that we move the portable bili-lights to shine on Ella's skin while she nursed. "...But we've never done that before and what if it doesn't work!" It got to the point where I asked them to explain the risks to me so I could sign a waiver for her nursings. They couldn't. We got around that by compromising--I could nurse her with the lights as long as I didn't nurse her for more than 10 minutes every couple of hours.

Another example comes from the phlebotomists who pricked Ella's feet to draw blood. A couple found it very inconvenient that I wanted to hold Ella during the prick, to reassure her and let her nurse my pinky for comfort. I think they are used to pricking feet of babies that are lying on tables, but as admitted by one phlebotomist afterward, holding a baby upright actually helps--it brings the feet up to a more comfortable working height and it allows gravity to bring more blood down the leg. Several days of asking for accomodations to better mother my daughter made me feel very motherly toward her.

I remember when Ben was a few months old, Brett and I would look at each other, still surprised that he was ours. I think Brett feels that way with Ella. He didn't have the same experience at Primary's that I did. When Ella and I were there, Brett was at home with Ben, or shuttling back and forth between there and home, so he didn't have to battle doctors for her sake.

Brett has also commented on a few double-takes from strangers when they see him holding Ella, something we'll probably get more of as she gets older. But I don't feel yet like I have gotten any more comments or looks with Ella than I did with Ben. Many have stopped to comment, mostly of the older generation, on both of my cute babies.

So there are a few differences of course. And of course we feel the same way toward each of our kids, and love them both as they are--our own. We're excited to see how we all grow, and are looking forward to many more months together as a family. Happy one month, Ella!

It's a Girl!

About 2 weeks ago, at 10pm on Wednesday night, we received a phone call from our adoption agency. The birth mom who was delivering a boy the next day had chosen another family, but we were matched with another birthmom and her baby girl--also scheduled for induction the next day.

At 7am the next day, to be exact. Could we arrive at 9? ...Because the birthmom's previous children had come after only 3 hours of labor, and she wanted to meet us before the birth (yes, while laboring). The agency rep quickly went through the family medical and social histories, all pretty typical for Americans.

The only problems, as you know, were that we couldn't sleep on it, and we didn't have any girl names.

So of course we said yes. And then proceeded to stay up another hour looking through Ben's newborn clothes for anything NOT blue, and packing a quick hospital bag.

A little while later, another agency rep emailed us documents that explained how things would work at the hospital. The birthmom and us would each have our own case workers to help us through the next few days. We would spend a few hours in her room before and after the birth, but give her plenty of time alone too. She invited me to attend the delivery, giving me a chance to see and hold the baby immediately. I would even cut the cord. But Ben wouldn't be able to come until 24 hours after the birth, when the birthmom signed papers transferring all her parental rights. This would be placement, when we would become our daughter's parents.

And that's basically what happened. We showed up with flowers and met her almost right away. She was kind, funny, and ran track just like us. She said that when she saw our profile, she thought we were perfect and cried for a long time over it with her bestfriend. It was a relief to know that she liked us as much as we liked her.

We left for a very long lunch, since the OB stopped our birthmom's induction in the middle to go attend an emergency elsewhere. After lunch, we waited at her side while she napped a bit, and then everything happened so fast! The nurses rushed in, Ella slid out, and I cut the cord. I felt like the doc couldn't get out of there soon enough, and that he forgot he was dealing with people. But the birthmom got to hold Ella right away and gave her to me after just a minute. The nurses quickly whisked Ella away to the nursery for FOR-EV-ER (no one can come with!). All this made me appreciate birth with a midwife all the more.

Even with the delay, Ella's birth happened faster than we were able to come up with a name. We knew Katherine would be her middle name, as the women in my family back to my great-great-great grandmother have that middle name. We did have a list for first names, and Rachel and Adela were at the top. I loved Rebekah/Rebecca, with Becca for short, but we thought that might sound like stuttering, since middle and last names had the hard "k" sound.

Anyway, we didn't stay for too long after the nurses took Ella away. It was very, very sad for the birthmom. She must have been exhausted--no food or drink all day through an extended labor. I can only imagine the emotions she was going through after all that hard work and with her pregnancy and birth hormones in full swing.

We ended up going home for the night, leaving Ella in the nursery (ugh). When we came back the next morning, we got to meet the birthmom's 2 year old daughter and her best friend too. It was so fun. And at times it was so sad. So we tried to give them a lot of space. The birthmom gave us a lot of time on our own with Ella too, even before signing.

Soon we found ourselves reading and signing paperwork for 30 minutes with our caseworker and a notary, while the birthmom was in another room doing the same. We were basically agreeing to love Ella as 100% ours, to pay for her medical expenses, and to follow up with an attorney on the legal risks involved in adoption. The birthmom was signing over her parental rights to us. When it was done, Ella was ours, and we were hers! This made us ferl pressure to nail things down, and we named her Elsa.

Our case worker left us for 5 minutes, and since Ella (then Elsa) was now ours, I snuck in a quick nursing session. She did great, even after bottles and pacifiers for the first hours of life! We were explicitly told not to mention breastfeeding to the birthmom, since birthmoms often find the thought too painful, so it was our only chance to start the nursing relationship until we all got home as a family.

Next we went to the birthmom to say thank you and give her a gift to remember Ella by--a necklace with July's birthstone. She was very touched. She wanted to spend some time saying goodbye to Ella that night, before leaving the next day, so our agency asked us to go home and not come back until the morning. That was hard, especially knowing that Ella would be spending the night in the nursery, not getting as much attention as is ideal. But we were so glad to go home to Ben, and even happier that he would get to come back with us on Saturday morning. One last trip to the hospital before we could all go home as a family!

The name Elsa didn't make it back to the hospital the next morning. Instead, Brett, Ben, and I went there with Rachel and now Ella on our list (I had been advocating that name since we got married, but Brett was never sure he liked it). When we arrived, the hospital wouldn't let us into the nursery to see Ella (!!??) and we waited around for a few hours. Finally, we all went in to see the birthmom and get Ella for discharge. Ben was wonderful with Ella--he just loves touching her, comforting her, and explaining to her how the world works.

We asked the birthmom to help pick out Ella's going home outfit and decide her name once and for all. She chose polka-dots and Ella. It was settled.

The goodbye was heartbreaking. I still get sick to my stomach thinking about it. All bitter, no sweet ...at least not until we were on our own.

But before we could go, the nurses set us up with more appointments at the very hospital we were hoping to never see again. Ella had failed her two hearing tests, and was also in the medium risk zone for jaundice. She needed retests for both. We didn't know we would have only two days at home before heading back to a hospital for a week long stay. But thankfully, this time we would be at Primary Children's, and not at Ella's birth hospital, which I give LOW marks for being baby and mommy friendly.

So that's a long summary of our adoption of Ella Katherine into our family. Welcome, little Ella. We love you!

Yes! No. Yes! No.

Well, the roller coaster has begun. Thankfully, ours is one of the little kiddie turtle rides.


This past Monday, our adoption agency called to match us with a baby whose birth was scheduled to be induced this Tuesday. Yes, the Tuesday that was one day after this past Monday! We're sleep-on-it people, so the rush to decide what to do was difficult. In the end, after quite a few butterflies, we decided not to adopt the baby, trusting that God had another family for him. That was our first "Yes! No."

The agency called again yesterday about a baby scheduled for birth this coming Tuesday, but again we couldn't sleep on it because the birth mother wanted to choose the adoptive family herself. For the agency to get our profile to her in time, we needed to decide what to do pretty quickly. We called back to say no, this time without much emotion--certainly no butterflies. Then, in the middle of that phone call, we changed our minds and asked for more time to talk and pray it over again. A few more minutes later, with excitement (still no butterflies), we called the agency with a Yes! But the agency told us today that the birthmom chose another family, our second "Yes! No." We trust God that he has another baby for us, and are not disappointed.

We do know a little about this baby. It's probably a boy. And he'll probably be with us in the next month. There are more than a handful of babies, all boys, that our agency is getting ready to match with families. We're ready with his name (and a couple of back-ups just in case). Now if God ends up bringing a new birthmom with a baby girl, who knows what we'll do name-wise.

Please pray that we will have the wisdom to know which baby God has for our family. We're so excited to meet him and hold him and love him.

But who is his real mom?

No one has yet asked me that about Ben, but from what others say, I'll get it more than once about a transracially adopted child.

It's a sensitive question for mothers of adopted kids. They are after all, their kids' moms. Their real moms. Just not their birth moms. And so it is a painful and insulting question.

I'm not sure it should be though. I understand how adoptive mothers feel, who have all the same relationship, experience, and emotions of all mothers. When asked a question that gives the title, Real Mom, to someone else, their role and relationship is diminished in their eyes.

Does it need to be that way?

It's hard to avoid that we live in a fallen world, groaning for freedom from corruption (Romans 8:19-25). I think everyone recognizes that in an ideal world, there would be no need for adoption...Kids would be born to married, capable, responsible parents who would live to old age. Legally, practically, and spiritually, adoptive moms and dads are the real parents. The only thing that the question, "Who is his real mom," asks, is, "how did he get to your family?" Transracial adoption suggests the adventure of traveling overseas too, promising an exciting story (even though that probably won't be our experience this year).

Should we adopt transracially a second time, as we hope to do, I've been told to anticipate being asked if our two black children are real siblings. (Well, yes, OF COURSE they are real siblings...they just don't have the same genes.)

Answering questions might give me opportunities to explain in front of my child how God has blessed our family and him through adoption. But I hear that questions (and stares) can be awkward, or even just awkwardly frequent, and rub salt in a child's wounds. One local mom has her name and email on a business card that she keeps handy for curious strangers, saying that she'd be happy to answer any questions over email.

Can it really be that bad? I hear consistently that it is, but I think I'll have to experience it before I fully believe it.

Breastfeeding and Adoption

Women all over the world have been breastfeeding children, and doing so without a pregnancy first for centuries. Some women are wet nurses, others care for grandbabies, some change their minds about weaning after the fact, and some adopt.

I love all that breastfeeding provides for mother and child. The antibodies, perfect nutrition, mother-child bonding, jaw development, digestive tract health, and comfort breastfeeding provides can't be fully replaced. For the adopted child, the ease of bonding through breastfeeding is especially beneficial after the trauma of adoption. Each newborn knows his mother's voice and smell, and knows that he is dependent upon her. But he has no emotional maturity, so even at a day old when he doesn't understand much of anything, the loss of his birth mother is traumatic.

So it's natural for me to want to breastfeed, should God give us a child this year. I won't be able to nurse our adopted baby until after placement, at the earliest 24 hours after birth. This will add a little difficulty to learning to nurse, especially since he is likely to be born earlier than ideal through induction. But this shouldn't create any problems that last more than 2 weeks.

I have found a few good resources on adoptive breastfeeding:
1. La Leche League web pages on the subject
2. The Adoptive Breastfeeding Resourse Website
3. World Health Organization's article, "Relactation"

I was pleased to learn most women who try to induce lactation do so after just a week of nursing and are able to breastfeed exclusively (no supplements) within a month (ref #3 above)! Well, adopting women are a little less successful than the others. Yet I think my chances for exclusive breastfeeding are good since Ben is still nursing and I'm not starting dry.

I plan to pump ahead of time, increasing the "demand", so that my "supply" follows. The replacement parts I ordered for my pump (Medela Harmony) arrived today, so I'm ready to start! A newborn nurses every hour or two and through the night, but I think I'll go with just a few times during the day and once, maybe twice, a night, in addition to Ben's nursing to sleep. These sessions will stock our freezer. If I'm supplementing more than half of our baby's milk a month after placement--after lots of sling time, nursing, and skin-to-skin contact, and after avoiding bottles and pacifiers--I may consider using herbal lactogogues (Brewer's yeast, fenugreek) to increase my milk supply. Some women start months before the adoption with hormones that simulate pregnancy, but that's not for me.

Through all this, I'll have to make sure our baby is getting enough milk. That's easy enough by watching diapers (at least 6 wet ones a day) and weekly weight gain. Just in case, I'll probably start nursing and supplementing with stored breastmilk and then formula. Supplementers--itty bitty straws through which babies drink supplemental milk while nursing--are very affordable and have been around for a long time. They will help increase the chance of me being able to exclusively breastfeed.

Why even try to exclusively breastfeed? Doctors recommend it for at least 6 months, and it would be nice not to have to deal with the hassle of bottles and expense of formula. So it's worth trying the hassle and expense of a supplementer. If it doesn't work out, that's fine, but I'll do what I can to at least give it a try.

Application Mailed!

Ben and I went to the post office last week to mail our adoption application and four copies of our profile. We waited until now because we knew we would not be able to bring home our child until after my brother's wedding (last weekend!) and I completed the year's duty (end of May).

It took Brett and several weeks, two bottles of rubber cement, and 73 pictures to get the profile done. Here's what I've learned: scrap booking requires a lot of space, it takes me a looooong time to lay out just one page, there are a lot of handy tools that make scrap booking easier, and it will never be a hobby of mine.

In fact, I'm confident I will not scrap book again, unless required for our next profile (hmmm...how many of these pages could we use again?). Even then, I think I will splurge for good scrap booking software that lets you do everything on your computer.

Here's one of the pages from our profile.

I owe a big thanks to my neighbor, Leah, who let me use some of her scrap booking tools to polish off what I have put together. See here how she gave me some of her "rub-ons" and let me use her paper punches (the little circles).

If you want to see the whole thing, check it out on my picasa page.

Now that the profile is done, I am going to focus on building my milk supply. More on that as I learn about it!

Why Does Adoption Cost So Much!?!

I have been asked several times why adoption costs so much. While the adoption industry is called an industry for a reason, expensive adoptions are legitimately expensive. But many adoptions are very affordable or inexpensive. Prices vary widely based on agency, state or country, health, age, and race of the child.

We're pursuing a upper-middle of the road adoption--a domestic, infant, African American adoption. Domestic, infant, Caucasian infant adoptions usually cost the most, because the demand is so high. International adoptions can be very expensive too, especially for those countries that require two lengthy stays in country.

There's $1000-$2000 for legal work and for a social worker to check out your family before and after the adoption. There's $4000-$7000 in medical expenses for the birth mother. She may use a month or so of living expenses too--rent, food, child care, transportation. She'll need counseling to help her work through her options, cope with the loss of her child to the adoptive family, and possibly even find a job. Agencies also have to pay for overhead and advertising (finding birth moms and adoptive parents). The living expenses, counseling, and agency costs are usually included in the agency fees, often between $10000-$30000.

Since birth moms can fly to Utah for their births if they choose, and even come out well before the birth if needed, adoption through agencies here usually has higher costs. First, if they come early, out-of-state birth moms stay in agency-paid apartments and eat agency-paid food. Most birth moms choose to wait to come out until the last few days though. Second, Utah does not provide Medicare for birth moms who have no intention of staying, and insurance may not cover a child until he is adopted by the family (at least 24 hours after the pricey birth), so labor and delivery is paid for in cash at the hospital at the time of birth.

The agency we're using subsidizes the adoption of African American and bi-racial infants. AA adoptions are half as much as Caucasian and bi-racial adoptions are two thirds as much. It also does not require any payment until placement for AA adoption--very, very rare. Some take offense to pricing based on race, but I think the agency justifies it as a way to encourage families to adopt where most needed.

In researching agencies for ourselves, we ran into many rip-off, take-the-money-and-run, sucker stories. There are big profits to be had in adoption. Thankfully, the internet and state licensors uncover the less trustworthy agencies for those who take the time to check.

Now, there are adoptions that cost very little--adopting an older child from the state or a special need child from overseas, for example. And special needs has a broad definition; it includes healthy older children and infants with correctable conditions, as well as children with mild to severe permanent disabilities. There are also grants from charities for hard-to-place children or lower income adoptive families.

Most helpful for any adoption is a national adoption tax credit that is applied the year after an it is finalized (6 months after a child has been living with his family)--$11,000, spread out over up to 4 years if needed. Hmm...seed money for our next adoption!

These expenses are prohibitive. Yet in that, we are humbled by God's provision for our family. An inheritance, an award at work, a raise, Reserves pay checks, a tax refund...all in time to add up to an adoption this summer. Thank you, Lord!

Transracial Adoption Conference

On Tuesday, I drove an hour down to Brigham Young University for an all day Transracial Adoption Conference (not LDS-specific--as much as can be around here--even though at BYU). These things don't happen everyday! I've counted my blessings below:

1. The perfect timing of the conference. Just before we hope to adopt an African American! On a day Ben could spend with our neighbors.

2. The keynote speaker, Rita Simon. She's been doing research on transracial adoptions for decades, and has very positive reports. Most "scientific" (studies, statistics, etc) information is positive, but the more widely available anecdotal information is negative. It's reassuring to hear the positive:

• All groups of adoptees, whether the same race as their adoptive parents or not, had the same self-esteem levels
• 80% of transracial adoptees (TRAs) and 70% of their siblings said that race was not important in adoption, strongly disagreeing with the long-standing National Association of Black Social Workers statement. Only 5% of TRAs agreed with NABSW.
• 70% of TRAs said that social workers should encourage transracial adoption without qualification, versus trying to place with a same race family first
• All research completed to date supports the practice of transracial adoption (except for Native Americans, whose children always belong to the tribe)
• How much same-race interaction was available for the TRAs did not matter, only that adoptive parents made changes in the home (providing role models, books, etc)
• Results were no different for families with both transracial and biological children

3. The transracial adoption panels. The panel of transracial adoptees, now adults, and the panel of parents and siblings of transracial adoptees were also very positive, bucking the trend for anectdotal information to be negative.

4. Networking. I met some of the parents from my transracial adoption Yahoo group, and some others with mutual friends. Plus, at lunch I sat next to a lady that went to the same high school I did in PA!!! I'm still blown away by the odds.

Now the rest of the conference was a documentary and presentations by grad students or professors. Those focused on the issue of race (think white priviledge and racial profiling), and I found them tiring. Not that these issues aren't important or real, but that they are dwelt on to the point of encouraged victimhood. After bringing up a challenge, I think it is better to talk about how to mature through it than to wallow in self-pity and finger-pointing.

A few standard adoption and transracial adoption controversies were brought up too ("real" families/siblings/parents, best family for a TRA--I still need to comment on these). Thinking about them has been beneficial to me, but I find that coming at them from a Biblical perspective puts me in a different place than most.

Profile in Action

I selected and ordered 101 pictures for our profile, and they came almost a week ago. 101 may sound like a lot, but I eliminated thousands! I went through ALL of our digital pictures back to 2003.

Ben and I made a trip to the craft store Tuesday and bought a bunch of patterned paper to use as background and embellishments with the pictures. Boy, scrap bookers spend an arm and a leg on this stuff! Each piece of paper was $.50-$.75.

I just finished laying the pictures out, although not all made the cut, and I'm ready to start putting it all together. Here's the work in progress...



Pages weaving around the table


Fancy "scrap" booking paper (if it costs $10, it isn't scrap!)


All of the pictures laid out

Adoption Agency

When I called A Guardian Angel last week with a question about our application paperwork, I talked with someone different than before. I gave a brief introduction, and before I asked my question, she asked me if we were interested in African American adoption. Of course we said yes, and she replied, "Oh, you'll be my new best friend!"

Have I mentioned yet that there aren't enough families adopting African American infants?

I explained that we have a wedding in April and that we are still building our adoption fund, but she asked if could start giving us calls soon after our application was in anyway. I know that the agency is eager to offer more prospective adoptive parents to each birth mom. I think they are able to show around 3 profiles but would prefer 5-6.

Honestly, we completed our agency application with our home study questionnaire. The only thing holding us up is that pesky profile... I picked out dozens of photos with only a few more photo folders to go through looking for more.

Black and White

A local white dad of an African American boy recently asked our support group, "I have a question about the remarks that some people make when they first see our son [Sam]. These are people that know us, not total strangers. People sometimes say things like "oh, his name isn't Jamal?" or "will he be playing basketball?" These types of comments strike me as inappropriate because I'm sure these people wouldn't say them if my wife and I were black. What do you say to people who make comments like this?"

What do you think?

Not long ago I admitted to a dear friend that transracial adoption has given me thoughts I previously would have thought racist. Racism is thinking you know something about someone based on their skin color, right? Especially when that something makes you better than him. Maybe my thoughts aren't racist.

So what is it that have I been thinking? About baby names, of course! It took us the good part of 9 months to come up with Benjamin's name. We better get started choosing another if we're to name a child in 4-9 months hence. But we want to choose a "black" name, or at least a name that isn't unusual for someone with black or brown skin. A name that won't draw attention to itself in any group.

Even though fitting in is not always a good thing, transracially adopted blacks can find themselves feeling like they're different from everyone--from whites and blacks--that they don't naturally belong in any group. We just don't want to add to that with something as inconsequential to a personality as a name.

From what I hear, the questions and comments from strangers and friends are frequent and often uncomfortable. Maybe later I'll explain what I think about the following common questions: "Who's his real mom?", or about a two adopted brothers, "Are they real brothers?"

Home Visit

First, thank you for your prayers. Our social worker completed our home visit last night, coming over for a bite to eat and staying for 2 hours. As she was leaving, she said she only has to submit her report to her boss, and we're ready to go! But I'll start from the beginning...

After a quick tour of the house, led by our son, she had a few questions for us clarifying our home study questionnaire--about our ethnicity, our finances (can we afford food and clothing?), and why we want to adopt. Prompted by state law, she also asked us if we had considered foster care and adopting from the state. This review was quite simple.

The state requires home studies of prospective adoptive parents to make sure they are prepared for adoption. So our social worker was kind enough to chat with us about adoption and transracial adoption. It was good to learn about her experiences as a parent of biological and transracial children. It was also good to get her advice on creating our profile, talking with birthmoms, and handling turns of events in the adoption process.

I find it interesting and wonderful that God demonstrates his sovereignty through adoption. Those that believe in a god much different than the God I worship--the God who is the I AM, a spirit without a body, one being of three persons, not created but the Creator--stop to marvel at God's control over the placement of children into families. It seems that all praise God for his care in choosing parents for children and children for parents. The matches are beyond circumstance. Too much has to happen to get these families together. So I hear repeatedly from adoptive parents.

The next few days and weeks, I'll be working on the next step: putting together our profile. Even with our social worker's advice and the instruction from our adoption agency, I can't say I'm excited about working on it. I'm not much of a scrap-booker, and choosing the right pictures to show who our family is and then framing them just right will be time consuming. As a bit of a perfectionist, I'll have to take the time to get it perfect.

It's crazy to us that as soon as our profile is ready, we'll be able to adopt. Whoa! The process is so much quicker than I anticipated--for most, a year or two passes before bringing a child home. It usually does not take long for a family to be matched with an African American child--for a birthmom to choose a family or for the agency to find a good match. By choice we'll wait until summer though, as we have my little bro's spring wedding we don't want to miss. That will also add the benefit of a few more months to build up our adoption fund.

Home Visit postponed

Our social worker postponed our home visit to next Monday, Feb 16: she is sick and needs to recover!

On a separate note, here is a video on transracial adoption we found helpful.

Next Step: Homestudy

Tomorrow we take a big step closer to adding to our family through adoption: the home visit.

We started the home study process a couple of weeks ago by contacting a social worker and answering her home study questionnaire. We provided several pages of personal information. You know, all the good information that hackers use to steal your identity: social, birth date, parents' names, address, height, weight, etc. We wrote about other good, personal stuff too. How did your parents discipline you? [Who, me need discipline? Come on. I just wrote about how they disciplined my brother.] What was your childhood like? What is your personality? How would your spouse describe you? Are you healthy? How do you handle disagreements? Is your home safe? What are your goals for your kids? Do you believe in spanking (*gasp!*)?

Tomorrow night, our social worker is coming to our home for an hour or two to see how our family works. We'll get to talk over all of our questionnaire answers in person. I guess it'll be like a college professor pulling you into his office to talk over your test results. We've been prepping for the question, "What is the one thing you wish you could change about your spouse?" We don't want to change our answer to that!

She'll also want to see our house to make sure it's safe. We have all the right smoke/carbon monoxide detectors, outlet covers, and we avoid chemicals for the most part. We also keep it pretty tidy, so there's no need for special cleaning. But I'm interested to see if she has any concerns about our sleeping arrangement. Ben has slept in our bed since he was born, so that we wouldn't have to worry about his safety and we could all get plenty of sleep. Okay, that last part was mostly that Ben and I could get plenty of sleep. Not until this Christmas did Ben have his own "big boy bed", but he still only uses that for naps. My experience is that people either think bed-sharing is great (see research here), or they're horrified by the thought (see NY's campaign). We'll see what our social worker thinks!

She'll put together a report that includes information from our questionnaire, the home visit, referral letters, and doctor's notes. In it, she'll recommend us for adoption--or not. That report will go to our adoption agency and to the judge who will finalize the adoption.

After our home study is complete, we'll apply to A Guardian Angel, the adoption agency we've chosen. And it'll be time to put together our profile, which is like a big scrap book job application for birth mothers to review.

9 Tips for Families Like Ours

There were only a few days of discouragement about adopting an African American child, so we're now back on track and just excited! Here are a few pointers, in no particular order, that we've picked up from other adoptive families on adopting someone of a different race.

1. Acknowledge the difference. God gave us different skin colors, and they are beautiful! It's natural to want to look the same.

2. Provide role models that look like your child. No one succeeds because of his race. Men of all nations and colors succeed because of who they are and what they do.

3. Spend time with similar families. There's comfort in knowing you're not alone. Thankfully, Utah has a large support group of families that have adopted transracially. With several get-togethers every week, we'll have lots of options for play.

4. Love African American culture. Add African American art, music, history books, and children's books to the home.

5. Look good! Take the time to learn how to care for and do beautiful, black hair. Bonus--go to a black hairstylist!

6. Celebrate the adoption. Praise God as a family for the adoption, not because of what it has done for the child, but because what it has done for the family.

7. Prepare for insult. We'll have to think about this one more, but many advise to talk about how to handle racial insults and racist behavior (as age allows): "It's not true, and it's not funny. You're revealing more about yourself than me!" Also, don't belittle reactions to received racism.

8. Involve the birth mother. To the level that is appropriate for everyone involved. At least save pictures and letters, and learn about her life. At best make her a friend and part of the family, with visits and gifts.

9. Teach the Bible. Okay, I added this one on my own, since I haven't heard one person say anything about how this would help adoptees. Not one! But it seems so obvious. "Child, God created you. And he chose you. Just the way you are. He made our family." Here is the gospel: Jesus died for sinners, that God would make them new, and adopt them to be co-heirs with him in his glory forever. Amen!

Those are our thoughts for now.

Results Are In

I finally got around to taking another pregnancy test this morning, to see if my first test was a false negative (or positive, if you count the result from the next day). There was definitely no plus this time. I am not pregnant. No "twins" in the future!

Sorry for the suspense (is she pregnant? is she not?). I wanted to wait long enough to get a good test, and I couldn't believe I was pregnant anyway.

Race Controversies

I love controversies, but this one makes me uncomfortable. Opinions about race and adoption have made us waiver in our hopes to adopt more than anything.

Growing up white in a 99% white community, I haven't had much experience with modern racism. I haven't noticed racism in any of my work locations. And I'm not really around many people other than children who aren't white in Utah, probably the whitest state in the nation. I've had friends that didn't share my European decent, but I didn't consciously notice that the color of their skin, the texture of their hair, or the shape of their eyes was different from most everyone else's.

According to many of the well-educated adoption "experts" and adoptive parents that share their opinions online, my skin color, experience, and environment leave me most under-qualified to parent someone with brown skin. These aren't folks that rant in random forums either:

1. The National Association of Black Social Workers. While they've softened their rhetoric and added some good solutions to racial problems, they've held since 1972 that placing black children in white homes is "racial genocide".

2. Pact, An Adoption Alliance. This is a referral, counseling, and education service for adoptive families, adopted children, and birth parents, especially for children of color. It is very supportive of transracial adoption, as long as it takes place in a diverse community. I've found their articles very informative, even if a little discouraging.

3. Adopted: the Movie. This is a documentary with interviews of parents, adult adoptees, and those who have studied how adoption affects families. I found the clips on YouTube very informative, but Brett found them a little discouraging--the importance of a diverse community comes through here too.

It's easy to come away from this believing those who claim that because I'm white, and I can't fully understand what it's like to be black in America, I would cause deep and avoidable pain in the life of a son or daughter of color. How very intimidating!

But I'm thankful for their opinions, their research, and the ease of sharing their experiences on the internet. I have learned and thought much about transracial adoption issues, and should we adopt a black child, I will continue to do so.

After reflection, I agree with some of what all of these pessimistic folks are saying, and even recommend reading Pact articles and definitely watching Adopted. But not without rejecting the notion that transracial adoption in our situation would not be good for everyone involved. I'll soon share some ways that other transracial families are thriving, right here in Utah. They may be a picture of what our family will look like!

Adoption and Pregnancy

It's odd to think that if we were to adopt this summer or fall, our child would be alive in someone's belly right now. It's certainly not too early to be praying for our next child!

Everyone has friends that struggled to get pregnant...until they started the adoption process. While that's not us, it doesn't hurt to check. (Unless you're a guy that's uncomfortable with "girl talk"; then you might not want to read any further.)

We committed to adoption by calling a social worker for a home study about a week and a half ago. That's also when we started avoiding pregnancy. Technically, I could have already been pregnant. In fact, there was a 6% chance. To know for sure, I'd have to 1) have been paying attention to my signals for a month or so (didn't start until we committed to adoption), 2) take a pregnancy test, or 3) get my blood drawn. Pregnancy tests aren't good until 2 weeks later, but getting my blood drawn all the way up on base is a hassle and I was kinda curious.

So I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and got my first pregnancy test kit (you don't have to spend the money when you're paying attention like in option 1 above). I didn't get the little plus sign though.

Ben found it in the trash today and was running around the house with it. This time, when I picked it up there was a faint plus. Ha! I guess that means I'll definitely have to go back and get another kit in a few days when it actually is supposed to work.

In the meantime, I'll be praying for God to give us a child and for that child, no matter who's belly he might be in.

Ethical Questions

We had to find answers to the following questions before feeling comfortable with adoption.

1. Are birth moms coerced into giving up their children for adoption? Adoption agencies have a lot to gain from the adoption process! Some birth moms complain when they don't receive the right counseling, but talking with the Utah licensing office helped us eliminate agencies that may have been taking advantage of birth moms.

2. Since Utah agencies fly birth moms to Utah, often for the last several months of pregnancy, does that provide the wrong motivations to birth moms for adoption? Free rent, food, and medical! Birth moms already have access to food stamps, WIC, Medicaid, etc. without the agency. It sounds like some birth moms may still play the entitlement game, but for the most part, birth moms come here to escape abusive relationships, get off of the streets, or find privacy. The agencies also offer welcome accountability in making wise choices for the growing baby.

3. What about the birth fathers? Do they have a say? Adoptive families have been in the news with horror stories of birth fathers trying to take their children. But that could legitimately be a horror story for the birth father too, especially if the pregnancy/birth/adoption was hidden from him. To sort it all out, Utah law gives responsibility for claiming a child squarely on the father: he knows he did the baby-making deed, so he knows there could be a baby. And his relationship to his offspring is protected by law as long as he registers in his state's putative father registry, which he can do with or without pregnancy confirmation.

Finding these answers was relatively stress free for us. Sorting through the transracial adoption controversy was (is!) another story...

We want to adopt. What next?

Deciding you want to adopt is EASY compared to deciding how you want to adopt. There are these big decision matrices available online to help you wade through the decisions: international, domestic, or foster? Things like how much money you can spend, how long you're willing to wait, how much you want to travel and for how long, your age, your marriage history, your adopted child's age, his background, etc. all go into the decision.

I spent a lot of time online trying to figure out which of the dozens of available countries to adopt from. A LOT. But none of them felt right. What kind of engineer makes a decision based on how it feels?!? This is new territory for me. Especially when decision matrices are available. I love decision matrices. But because international adoption didn't "feel right", we decided to pursue domestic adoption.

Don't worry, I still used spreadsheets to help us make the rest of the decision.

This is where the stress of decision making really got to me. Sure we eliminated a bunch of countries, but now we had to choose just one of hundreds of adoption agencies to send our thousands of dollars to. And it's pretty clear on the internet that there are bad agencies out there that will take your money and run. Each state treats adoption a little differently too. It felt like we were trying to find the needle in the haystack!

Thankfully, I think we did find that needle. We looked at the web sites for the agencies in Utah, searched the adoption forums for feedback on our favorites, called the Utah licensing office for complaint history and resolution, and talked with adoptive parents. So many people took time out of their lives to help us! I am still amazed at their generosity. We learned which agencies raised the ethical eyebrow, which had documentation problems, which treated birth mothers well, and which had good customer service. And, oh yeah...we learned which were the most expensive! (Let me know if you want any of this information.) In the end, we decided to go with A Guardian Angel Adoptions. What a relief to choose an agency!

We've hired a social worker for a home study, and we're off! Now we just need to avoid pregnancy unless we want "twins"...

Adoption: Our first steps

I can't help but wonder if there will be another face in this picture next Christmas... At least, that's what we're hoping! We're asking God to add another child to our family, but this time through adoption. And if you care to follow along, I'll keep you updated on our progress here.

First, why adopt? In college, I talked with my closest friends about how I wanted to adopt a child with Down's Syndrome, so I guess adoption has always been on my mind. If God is concerned for orphans (James 1:27), I should be too. Besides, He even adopted me (Ephesians 1:5)!

While our family isn't ready for special needs adoption, we are obviously open to other adoption. Did you know that more than 40% of America's African American children are aborted? Check it out here & scroll down. How tragic! One way to help is to provide another option--adoption.

And that's what we hope to do. I'll write about what we've done so far in my next post.