When I called A Guardian Angel last week with a question about our application paperwork, I talked with someone different than before. I gave a brief introduction, and before I asked my question, she asked me if we were interested in African American adoption. Of course we said yes, and she replied, "Oh, you'll be my new best friend!"
Have I mentioned yet that there aren't enough families adopting African American infants?
I explained that we have a wedding in April and that we are still building our adoption fund, but she asked if could start giving us calls soon after our application was in anyway. I know that the agency is eager to offer more prospective adoptive parents to each birth mom. I think they are able to show around 3 profiles but would prefer 5-6.
Honestly, we completed our agency application with our home study questionnaire. The only thing holding us up is that pesky profile... I picked out dozens of photos with only a few more photo folders to go through looking for more.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Black and White
A local white dad of an African American boy recently asked our support group, "I have a question about the remarks that some people make when they first see our son [Sam]. These are people that know us, not total strangers. People sometimes say things like "oh, his name isn't Jamal?" or "will he be playing basketball?" These types of comments strike me as inappropriate because I'm sure these people wouldn't say them if my wife and I were black. What do you say to people who make comments like this?"
What do you think?
Not long ago I admitted to a dear friend that transracial adoption has given me thoughts I previously would have thought racist. Racism is thinking you know something about someone based on their skin color, right? Especially when that something makes you better than him. Maybe my thoughts aren't racist.
So what is it that have I been thinking? About baby names, of course! It took us the good part of 9 months to come up with Benjamin's name. We better get started choosing another if we're to name a child in 4-9 months hence. But we want to choose a "black" name, or at least a name that isn't unusual for someone with black or brown skin. A name that won't draw attention to itself in any group.
Even though fitting in is not always a good thing, transracially adopted blacks can find themselves feeling like they're different from everyone--from whites and blacks--that they don't naturally belong in any group. We just don't want to add to that with something as inconsequential to a personality as a name.
From what I hear, the questions and comments from strangers and friends are frequent and often uncomfortable. Maybe later I'll explain what I think about the following common questions: "Who's his real mom?", or about a two adopted brothers, "Are they real brothers?"
What do you think?
Not long ago I admitted to a dear friend that transracial adoption has given me thoughts I previously would have thought racist. Racism is thinking you know something about someone based on their skin color, right? Especially when that something makes you better than him. Maybe my thoughts aren't racist.
So what is it that have I been thinking? About baby names, of course! It took us the good part of 9 months to come up with Benjamin's name. We better get started choosing another if we're to name a child in 4-9 months hence. But we want to choose a "black" name, or at least a name that isn't unusual for someone with black or brown skin. A name that won't draw attention to itself in any group.
Even though fitting in is not always a good thing, transracially adopted blacks can find themselves feeling like they're different from everyone--from whites and blacks--that they don't naturally belong in any group. We just don't want to add to that with something as inconsequential to a personality as a name.
From what I hear, the questions and comments from strangers and friends are frequent and often uncomfortable. Maybe later I'll explain what I think about the following common questions: "Who's his real mom?", or about a two adopted brothers, "Are they real brothers?"
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Home Visit
First, thank you for your prayers. Our social worker completed our home visit last night, coming over for a bite to eat and staying for 2 hours. As she was leaving, she said she only has to submit her report to her boss, and we're ready to go! But I'll start from the beginning...
After a quick tour of the house, led by our son, she had a few questions for us clarifying our home study questionnaire--about our ethnicity, our finances (can we afford food and clothing?), and why we want to adopt. Prompted by state law, she also asked us if we had considered foster care and adopting from the state. This review was quite simple.
The state requires home studies of prospective adoptive parents to make sure they are prepared for adoption. So our social worker was kind enough to chat with us about adoption and transracial adoption. It was good to learn about her experiences as a parent of biological and transracial children. It was also good to get her advice on creating our profile, talking with birthmoms, and handling turns of events in the adoption process.
I find it interesting and wonderful that God demonstrates his sovereignty through adoption. Those that believe in a god much different than the God I worship--the God who is the I AM, a spirit without a body, one being of three persons, not created but the Creator--stop to marvel at God's control over the placement of children into families. It seems that all praise God for his care in choosing parents for children and children for parents. The matches are beyond circumstance. Too much has to happen to get these families together. So I hear repeatedly from adoptive parents.
The next few days and weeks, I'll be working on the next step: putting together our profile. Even with our social worker's advice and the instruction from our adoption agency, I can't say I'm excited about working on it. I'm not much of a scrap-booker, and choosing the right pictures to show who our family is and then framing them just right will be time consuming. As a bit of a perfectionist, I'll have to take the time to get it perfect.
It's crazy to us that as soon as our profile is ready, we'll be able to adopt. Whoa! The process is so much quicker than I anticipated--for most, a year or two passes before bringing a child home. It usually does not take long for a family to be matched with an African American child--for a birthmom to choose a family or for the agency to find a good match. By choice we'll wait until summer though, as we have my little bro's spring wedding we don't want to miss. That will also add the benefit of a few more months to build up our adoption fund.
After a quick tour of the house, led by our son, she had a few questions for us clarifying our home study questionnaire--about our ethnicity, our finances (can we afford food and clothing?), and why we want to adopt. Prompted by state law, she also asked us if we had considered foster care and adopting from the state. This review was quite simple.
The state requires home studies of prospective adoptive parents to make sure they are prepared for adoption. So our social worker was kind enough to chat with us about adoption and transracial adoption. It was good to learn about her experiences as a parent of biological and transracial children. It was also good to get her advice on creating our profile, talking with birthmoms, and handling turns of events in the adoption process.
I find it interesting and wonderful that God demonstrates his sovereignty through adoption. Those that believe in a god much different than the God I worship--the God who is the I AM, a spirit without a body, one being of three persons, not created but the Creator--stop to marvel at God's control over the placement of children into families. It seems that all praise God for his care in choosing parents for children and children for parents. The matches are beyond circumstance. Too much has to happen to get these families together. So I hear repeatedly from adoptive parents.
The next few days and weeks, I'll be working on the next step: putting together our profile. Even with our social worker's advice and the instruction from our adoption agency, I can't say I'm excited about working on it. I'm not much of a scrap-booker, and choosing the right pictures to show who our family is and then framing them just right will be time consuming. As a bit of a perfectionist, I'll have to take the time to get it perfect.
It's crazy to us that as soon as our profile is ready, we'll be able to adopt. Whoa! The process is so much quicker than I anticipated--for most, a year or two passes before bringing a child home. It usually does not take long for a family to be matched with an African American child--for a birthmom to choose a family or for the agency to find a good match. By choice we'll wait until summer though, as we have my little bro's spring wedding we don't want to miss. That will also add the benefit of a few more months to build up our adoption fund.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Home Visit postponed
Our social worker postponed our home visit to next Monday, Feb 16: she is sick and needs to recover!
On a separate note, here is a video on transracial adoption we found helpful.
On a separate note, here is a video on transracial adoption we found helpful.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Next Step: Homestudy
Tomorrow we take a big step closer to adding to our family through adoption: the home visit.
We started the home study process a couple of weeks ago by contacting a social worker and answering her home study questionnaire. We provided several pages of personal information. You know, all the good information that hackers use to steal your identity: social, birth date, parents' names, address, height, weight, etc. We wrote about other good, personal stuff too. How did your parents discipline you? [Who, me need discipline? Come on. I just wrote about how they disciplined my brother.] What was your childhood like? What is your personality? How would your spouse describe you? Are you healthy? How do you handle disagreements? Is your home safe? What are your goals for your kids? Do you believe in spanking (*gasp!*)?
Tomorrow night, our social worker is coming to our home for an hour or two to see how our family works. We'll get to talk over all of our questionnaire answers in person. I guess it'll be like a college professor pulling you into his office to talk over your test results. We've been prepping for the question, "What is the one thing you wish you could change about your spouse?" We don't want to change our answer to that!
She'll also want to see our house to make sure it's safe. We have all the right
smoke/carbon 
monoxide detectors, outlet covers, and we avoid chemicals for the most part. We also keep it pretty tidy, so there's no need for special cleaning. But I'm interested to see if she has any concerns about our sleeping arrangement. Ben has slept in our bed since he was born, so that we wouldn't have to worry about his safety and we could all get plenty of sleep. Okay, that last part was mostly that Ben and I could get plenty of sleep. Not until this Christmas did Ben have his own "big boy bed", but he still only uses that for naps. My experience is that people either think bed-sharing is great (see research here), or they're horrified by the thought (see NY's campaign). We'll see what our social worker thinks!
She'll put together a report that includes information from our questionnaire, the home visit, referral letters, and doctor's notes. In it, she'll recommend us for adoption--or not. That report will go to our adoption agency and to the judge who will finalize the adoption.
After our home study is complete, we'll apply to A Guardian Angel, the adoption agency we've chosen. And it'll be time to put together our profile, which is like a big scrap book job application for birth mothers to review.
We started the home study process a couple of weeks ago by contacting a social worker and answering her home study questionnaire. We provided several pages of personal information. You know, all the good information that hackers use to steal your identity: social, birth date, parents' names, address, height, weight, etc. We wrote about other good, personal stuff too. How did your parents discipline you? [Who, me need discipline? Come on. I just wrote about how they disciplined my brother.] What was your childhood like? What is your personality? How would your spouse describe you? Are you healthy? How do you handle disagreements? Is your home safe? What are your goals for your kids? Do you believe in spanking (*gasp!*)?
Tomorrow night, our social worker is coming to our home for an hour or two to see how our family works. We'll get to talk over all of our questionnaire answers in person. I guess it'll be like a college professor pulling you into his office to talk over your test results. We've been prepping for the question, "What is the one thing you wish you could change about your spouse?" We don't want to change our answer to that!
She'll also want to see our house to make sure it's safe. We have all the right
smoke/carbon 
monoxide detectors, outlet covers, and we avoid chemicals for the most part. We also keep it pretty tidy, so there's no need for special cleaning. But I'm interested to see if she has any concerns about our sleeping arrangement. Ben has slept in our bed since he was born, so that we wouldn't have to worry about his safety and we could all get plenty of sleep. Okay, that last part was mostly that Ben and I could get plenty of sleep. Not until this Christmas did Ben have his own "big boy bed", but he still only uses that for naps. My experience is that people either think bed-sharing is great (see research here), or they're horrified by the thought (see NY's campaign). We'll see what our social worker thinks!She'll put together a report that includes information from our questionnaire, the home visit, referral letters, and doctor's notes. In it, she'll recommend us for adoption--or not. That report will go to our adoption agency and to the judge who will finalize the adoption.
After our home study is complete, we'll apply to A Guardian Angel, the adoption agency we've chosen. And it'll be time to put together our profile, which is like a big scrap book job application for birth mothers to review.
Friday, February 6, 2009
9 Tips for Families Like Ours
There were only a few days of discouragement about adopting an African American child, so we're now back on track and just excited! Here are a few pointers, in no particular order, that we've picked up from other adoptive families on adopting someone of a different race.
1. Acknowledge the difference. God gave us different skin colors, and they are beautiful! It's natural to want to look the same.
2. Provide role models that look like your child. No one succeeds because of his race. Men of all nations and colors succeed because of who they are and what they do.
3. Spend time with similar families. There's comfort in knowing you're not alone. Thankfully, Utah has a large support group of families that have adopted transracially. With several get-togethers every week, we'll have lots of options for play.
4. Love African American culture. Add African American art, music, history books, and children's books to the home.
5. Look good! Take the time to learn how to care for and do beautiful, black hair. Bonus--go to a black hairstylist!
6. Celebrate the adoption. Praise God as a family for the adoption, not because of what it has done for the child, but because what it has done for the family.
7. Prepare for insult. We'll have to think about this one more, but many advise to talk about how to handle racial insults and racist behavior (as age allows): "It's not true, and it's not funny. You're revealing more about yourself than me!" Also, don't belittle reactions to received racism.
8. Involve the birth mother. To the level that is appropriate for everyone involved. At least save pictures and letters, and learn about her life. At best make her a friend and part of the family, with visits and gifts.
9. Teach the Bible. Okay, I added this one on my own, since I haven't heard one person say anything about how this would help adoptees. Not one! But it seems so obvious. "Child, God created you. And he chose you. Just the way you are. He made our family." Here is the gospel: Jesus died for sinners, that God would make them new, and adopt them to be co-heirs with him in his glory forever. Amen!
Those are our thoughts for now.
1. Acknowledge the difference. God gave us different skin colors, and they are beautiful! It's natural to want to look the same.
2. Provide role models that look like your child. No one succeeds because of his race. Men of all nations and colors succeed because of who they are and what they do.
3. Spend time with similar families. There's comfort in knowing you're not alone. Thankfully, Utah has a large support group of families that have adopted transracially. With several get-togethers every week, we'll have lots of options for play.
4. Love African American culture. Add African American art, music, history books, and children's books to the home.
5. Look good! Take the time to learn how to care for and do beautiful, black hair. Bonus--go to a black hairstylist!
6. Celebrate the adoption. Praise God as a family for the adoption, not because of what it has done for the child, but because what it has done for the family.
7. Prepare for insult. We'll have to think about this one more, but many advise to talk about how to handle racial insults and racist behavior (as age allows): "It's not true, and it's not funny. You're revealing more about yourself than me!" Also, don't belittle reactions to received racism.
8. Involve the birth mother. To the level that is appropriate for everyone involved. At least save pictures and letters, and learn about her life. At best make her a friend and part of the family, with visits and gifts.
9. Teach the Bible. Okay, I added this one on my own, since I haven't heard one person say anything about how this would help adoptees. Not one! But it seems so obvious. "Child, God created you. And he chose you. Just the way you are. He made our family." Here is the gospel: Jesus died for sinners, that God would make them new, and adopt them to be co-heirs with him in his glory forever. Amen!
Those are our thoughts for now.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Results Are In
I finally got around to taking another pregnancy test this morning, to see if my first test was a false negative (or positive, if you count the result from the next day). There was definitely no plus this time. I am not pregnant. No "twins" in the future!
Sorry for the suspense (is she pregnant? is she not?). I wanted to wait long enough to get a good test, and I couldn't believe I was pregnant anyway.
Sorry for the suspense (is she pregnant? is she not?). I wanted to wait long enough to get a good test, and I couldn't believe I was pregnant anyway.
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