A local white dad of an African American boy recently asked our support group, "I have a question about the remarks that some people make when they first see our son [Sam]. These are people that know us, not total strangers. People sometimes say things like "oh, his name isn't Jamal?" or "will he be playing basketball?" These types of comments strike me as inappropriate because I'm sure these people wouldn't say them if my wife and I were black. What do you say to people who make comments like this?"
What do you think?
Not long ago I admitted to a dear friend that transracial adoption has given me thoughts I previously would have thought racist. Racism is thinking you know something about someone based on their skin color, right? Especially when that something makes you better than him. Maybe my thoughts aren't racist.
So what is it that have I been thinking? About baby names, of course! It took us the good part of 9 months to come up with Benjamin's name. We better get started choosing another if we're to name a child in 4-9 months hence. But we want to choose a "black" name, or at least a name that isn't unusual for someone with black or brown skin. A name that won't draw attention to itself in any group.
Even though fitting in is not always a good thing, transracially adopted blacks can find themselves feeling like they're different from everyone--from whites and blacks--that they don't naturally belong in any group. We just don't want to add to that with something as inconsequential to a personality as a name.
From what I hear, the questions and comments from strangers and friends are frequent and often uncomfortable. Maybe later I'll explain what I think about the following common questions: "Who's his real mom?", or about a two adopted brothers, "Are they real brothers?"
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3 comments:
Hannah: How about Malachi? I've memorized my Biblical Baby Names book since I've been trying to find four names so we're prepared no matter what gender(s) our twins are.
Hang in there, God will work it all out. I admire you for sticking yourselves out there and going for something that is perceived as unusual but is really just as normal as adopting a baby from China or Russia or anywhere.
It is admirable that you are thinking all these things ahead of time, not to be so surprised by them later. Of course, this is from me, who had a child called "Baby Boy" for about half a day after he was born because we hadn't decided on a name even yet! I hope that most of your preparations for difficult questions go unused and that you always feel the support that those of us around you that care about you are so ready to give.
I second Jamie's suggestion to consider a Bible name. There are no color barriers in the Bible, so why succumb to cultural mores in choosing the name?
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